The organ donation week reminded me of our darkest time.
But it was good that I opened the card by accident. I cried endlessly but
my heart got lighter. I always feel guilty when I don’t think of her, when I
am enjoying my time and laughing.
But I have to thank the people who sent us cards and think of Grace
every year. She is in our life even she is not here.
I thought of a lot during the organ donation week.
I think of my eldest daughter Ellie. I know she is still having nightmares
about losing her sister.
Who is Ellie? Ellie was easy to look after from birth, very quiet, shy and
didn’t want to hurt anyone. She is the sweetest girl. Emma would say
the same thing.
I was all over the place when Grace passed way. I was crying, couldn’t
get out of bed, and I wasn’t a mother. I should have been looking after
my children. But I realise that I wasn’t there for you during the bitterest
You are a very quiet girl so I know that you didn’t say much. But I am
sure you were having a horrible time too. Of course, you lost your little
sister. You were young and looking at your sister with tubes and
machines, and watching me crying. I had to ask you to look after Leon
when I wanted to be in bed crying. And you did look after him.
We never talked about Grace together. I was so afraid to see Grace’s
photos and talk about her for a long time. You watched us taking Grace
to hospital so many times. You saw her suffering many times.
Ellie, I am so sorry. I am so sorry I wasn’t there for you.
I should have shared the feeling and cried together.
I know now that I wasn’t a mother to you.
I know you that you are the same girl who is quiet and not going to say
much. But please do remember that you are my dearest daughter and I
am always here for you.
You are a big girl now and you are finding your way in life. I hope you
have some space for forgiving me and we can talk one day about Grace
with a smile.